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Co-dependency is a learned behavior that can be passed down from
one generation to another. It is an emotional and behavioral
condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a
healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as
“relationship addiction” because people with
codependency often form or maintain relationships that are
one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive. The disorder was
first identified about ten years ago as the result of years of
studying interpersonal relationships in families of alcoholics.
Co-dependent behavior is learned by watching and imitating other
family members who display this type of behavior.
Who Does Co-Dependency
Affect?
Co-dependency often affects a spouse, a parent, sibling, friend,
or co-worker of a person afflicted with alcohol or drug dependence.
Originally, co-dependent was a term used to describe partners in
chemical dependency, persons living with, or in a relationship with
an addicted person. Similar patterns have been seen in people in
relationships with chronically or mentally ill individuals. Today,
however, the term has broadened to describe any co-dependent person
from any dysfunctional family.
What is a Dysfunctional Family
and How Does it Lead to Co-Dependency?
A dysfunctional family is one in which members suffer from fear,
anger, pain, or shame that is ignored or denied. Underlying
problems may include any of the following:
- An addiction by a family member to drugs, alcohol,
relationships, work, food, sex, or gambling.
- The existence of physical, emotional, or sexual abuse.
- The presence of a family member suffering from a chronic mental
or physical illness.
Dysfunctional families do not acknowledge that problems exist.
They don’t talk about them or confront them. As a result,
family members learn to repress emotions and disregard their own
needs. They become “survivors.” They develop behaviors
that help them deny, ignore, or avoid difficult emotions. They
detach themselves. They don’t talk. They don’t touch.
They don’t confront. They don’t feel. They don’t
trust. The identity and emotional development of the members of a
dysfunctional family are often inhibited.
Attention and energy focus on the family member who is ill or
addicted. The co-dependent person typically sacrifices his or her
needs to take care of a person who is sick. When co-dependents
place other people’s health, welfare and safety before their
own, they can lose contact with their own needs, desires, and sense
of self.
How Do Co-Dependent People
Behave?
Co-dependents have low self-esteem and look for anything outside
of themselves to make them feel better. They find it hard to
“be themselves.” Some try to feel better through
alcohol, drugs or nicotine - and become addicted. Others may
develop compulsive behaviors like workaholism, gambling, or
indiscriminate sexual activity.
They have good intentions. They try to take care of a person who
is experiencing difficulty, but the caretaking becomes compulsive
and defeating. Co-dependents often take on a martyr’s role
and become “benefactors” to an individual in need. A
wife may cover for her alcoholic husband; a mother may make excuses
for a truant child; or a father may “pull some strings”
to keep his child from suffering the consequences of delinquent
behavior.
The problem is that these repeated rescue attempts allow the
needy individual to continue on a destructive course and to become
even more dependent on the unhealthy caretaking of the
“benefactor.” As this reliance increases, the
co-dependent develops a sense of reward and satisfaction from
“being needed.” When the caretaking becomes compulsive,
the co-dependent feels choiceless and helpless in the relationship,
but is unable to break away from the cycle of behavior that causes
it. Co-dependents view themselves as victims and are attracted to
that same weakness in the love and friendship relationships.
Characteristics of Co-Dependent
People Are:
- An exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of
others.
- A tendency to confuse love and pity, with the tendency to
“love” people they can pity and rescue.
- A tendency to do more than their share, all of the time.
- A tendency to become hurt when people don’t recognize
their efforts.
- An unhealthy dependence on relationships. The co-dependent will
do anything to hold on to a relationship; to avoid the feeling of
abandonment.
- An extreme need for approval and recognition.
- A sense of guilt when asserting themselves.
- A compelling need to control others.
- Lack of trust in self and/or others.
- Fear of being abandoned or alone.
- Difficulty identifying feelings.
- Rigidity/difficulty adjusting to change.
- Problems with intimacy/boundaries.
- Chronic anger.
- Lying/dishonesty.
- Poor communications
- Difficulty making decisions.
Questionnaire To Identify Signs Of
Co-Dependency
This condition appears to run in different degrees, whereby the
intensity of symptoms are on a spectrum of severity, as opposed to
an all or nothing scale. Please note that only a qualified
professional can make a diagnosis of co-dependency; not everyone
experiencing these symptoms suffers from co-dependency.
1. Do you keep quiet to avoid arguments?
2. Are you always worried about others’ opinions of you?
3. Have you ever lived with someone with an alcohol or drug
problem?
4. Have you ever lived with someone who hits or belittles you?
5. Are the opinions of others more important than your own?
6. Do you have difficulty adjusting to changes at work or home?
7. Do you feel rejected when significant others spend time with
friends?
8. Do you doubt your ability to be who you want to be?
9. Are you uncomfortable expressing your true feelings to
others?
10. Have you ever felt inadequate?
11. Do you feel like a “bad person” when you make a
mistake?
12. Do you have difficulty taking compliments or gifts?
13. Do you feel humiliation when your child or spouse makes a
mistake?
14. Do you think people in your life would go downhill without your
constant efforts?
15. Do you frequently wish someone could help you get things
done?
16. Do you have difficulty talking to people in authority, such as
the police or your boss?
17. Are you confused about who you are or where you are going with
your life?
18. Do you have trouble saying “no” when asked for
help?
19. Do you have trouble asking for help?
20. Do you have so many things going at once that you can’t
do justice to any of them?
If you identify with several of these symptoms; are dissatisfied
with yourself or your relationships; you should consider seeking
professional help. Arrange for a diagnostic evaluation with a
licensed physician or psychologist experienced in treating
co-dependency.
How is Co-Dependency
Treated?
Because co-dependency is usually rooted in a person’s
childhood, treatment often involves exploration into early
childhood issues and their relationship to current destructive
behavior patterns. Treatment includes education, experiential
groups, and individual and group therapy through which
co-dependents rediscover themselves and identify self-defeating
behavior patterns. Treatment also focuses on helping patients
getting in touch with feelings that have been buried during
childhood and on reconstructing family dynamics. The goal is to
allow them to experience their full range of feelings again.
When Co-Dependency Hits Home
The first step in changing unhealthy behavior is understanding
it. It is important for co-dependents and their family members to
educate themselves about the course and cycle of addiction and how
it extends into their relationships. Libraries, drug and alcohol
abuse treatment centers and mental health centers often offer
educational materials and programs to the public.
A lot of change and growth is necessary for the co-dependent and
his or her family. Any caretaking behavior that allows or enables
abuse to continue in the family needs to be recognized and stopped.
The co-dependent must identify and embrace his or her feelings and
needs. This may include learning to say “no,” to be
loving yet tough, and learning to be self-reliant. People find
freedom, love, and serenity in their recovery.
Hope lies in learning more. The more you understand
co-dependency the better you can cope with its effects. Reaching
out for information and assistance can help someone live a
healthier, more fulfilling life.
For More Information:
Contact your local Mental Health Association, community mental
health center, or:
National Mental
Health Association
2001 N. Beauregard Street, 12th Floor
Alexandria, VA 22311
Phone 703/684-7722
Fax 703/684-5968
Mental Health Resource Center 800/969-NMHA
TTY Line 800/433-5959
Co-Dependents Anonymous
PO Box 33577
Phoenix, AZ 85067
Phone: (602) 277-7991
Family Support
America
20 North Wacker Drive, Suite 1100
Chicago, IL 60606
Phone: 312-338-0900
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